I think it’s probably the next chemo, due on Thursday, to blame, but I’ve been on a bit of a downer today. I understand perfectly well that these feelings are irrational and foolish, but these are not rational feelings.
I feel scared again. Will the chemo be as bad, or even worse? I’ve now done 33% of the course. By Thursday evening I will have done 67% of the infusions. I should be glad I’m doing so well. But I’m scared.
The best advice seems to be to go and do something you enjoy. That’s good advice, but not so easy to follow. I can understand why people give up, but I’m not going to go that way.
On another subject, someone wanted to know what I’ve been eating. I’m not sure why, but here goes:
Today: chicken with veg and potato.
Yesterday: haggis, chips and veg
Sunday: gammon
Saturday: fish pie
Lastly I’m going to have a brief rant. It’s not done in haste, I’ve been thinking about this since Sunday, and I decided, in a very calm, deliberate manner to lose my temper and have a rant.
This may offend some, if so I apologise. Just scroll past it to miss it out.
<RANT ON and warning of very weak leadin to topic>
Have you ever had some song that you wish you’d never heard and really loath. I met one last Sunday.
Our church has a monthly communal meal, we all bring something and nosh together ( I made a meat pie). Afterwards someone picked a hymn. It’s not one we normally use, but I’ve heard it before, and just thought it was a bit insipid. (Sorry to anyone who does like it – that’s how I react.)
I didn’t feel like that last Sunday, I got narked as soon as I read the first lines. “God holds the key to all unknown and I am glad” It goes on to suggest it’s a good thing we are ignorant because it’s better that way. It better not to know what is happening, because it’s better not to know. Better to just sit in blindness and ignorance waiting something to happen to you, rather than seek to understand it.
And I thought, codswallop. That’s not acceptable. That’s not how you resolve problems. OK there are things we cannot foresee or understand, but what is wrong with trying. Newton didn’t just watch apples fall just outside his house, he tried to understand it. There’s a load of people at the Christie working flat out to understand cancer, and beat it. And I spent hours reading up what has happened to me, because the more I understand it, the better I can cope with it.
I still don’t know if I’m going to survive, but I want to understand as much as possible, that way I maximise my chances of survival. That’s what I want to do.
<RANT OFF>
Umm, well today’s question then – is ignorance ever an excuse? Ah well, for a woolly liberal (small ‘l’ now pls!) it depends of course. I’m with yer man above in that I’m definitely an ‘eyes wide open’ sorta gal! But would Alice have gone through the looking glass if she’d have known about the Jaberwock? Ignorant? Would our ancestors have sailed the seven seas knowing the pestilence and ruination awaiting them? (ah well, they did ignore the ‘there be dragons’ warning I guess!) Ignorant? By George NO…………………a yearning for knowledge, for experience, for improvement, for just darn well moving forward……………….well that’s not ignorance is it – and that’s one of the things that makes me so proud of this fella – that ‘seek and you will find’ attitude is far better than making like an emu (or is it ostrich?) – you get the idea……………
So then, I appear to have moved on somewhat from my original question – is ignorance ever an excuse? Well, yes, when I eat the last ginger nut cos you really don’t like them that much but today you’ve changed your mind – I am ignorant of your change of heart! FORGIVEN! When I advise a student about the likelihood of getting a visa 2 hours before UKVI announces visa changes? FORGIVEN! I have no crystal ball…………(although funnily enough my manager and students seem to think I do!)………………
Hey MC – this ranting is infectious isn’t it!! (albeit that mine has very little merit…………but to raise a smile of course………………….pass the gingernuts xxxxx